I feel like a fat fuck no matter what I weigh. I need to drop weight but not muscle. I need to work out more, eat less, and leave my worries to the moon. I am not in a good place mentally and I can't even write this in my livejournal because I showed it to a friend thinking I could write without want. But I can't. My fear of being judge is too much right now. I just feel helpless against my pounding mind. My run today was invigorating, but I was left empty once again. I would have to run myself into the ground to feel something... And it wouldn't be satisfaction it would be guilt over not running farther faster. Fuck! I am behind in homework and can't bring myself to do any of it because its a holiday?.. FUCK UTAH! Pioneers my Ass! Murders is more like it, slaughtering an indigenous people, some Christians. I hate Mormon's and their interpretation of Christianity it's vile and not practiced. Those followiers that are actually good people are just brain washed into believing making excuses for members that suck little boys dicks and ask for details about your sexual sin to help you through the repentance process is acceptable. FUCK ME YOU PERVERTED OLD MAN! I'm not going to tell you where and how many times, you think some secret hand shake and special name get you into heaven. News check for you this is your chance to make your life what it is and to enjoy the blessings of 2 very important gifts a)your body and b)this planet. So clean up your act! God Mormons on Pioneer Day. I will be a shut in today(minus the gym and renting a movie for the LIST) I am so fucked up I just wish I was thin. I've had 1000 calories today and ran just over 5 miles. I should at least lose one pound today... I'll be up one tomorrow tho because my body refuses to allow me to take control of who I want to be. FUCKKK!