Fashiontoast*

When a Midterm is NOT Life

I just realized I'm completely self interested. Me, My education, How do I look? Do you love me?

FUCK! How do I fix the bad vibes at work? How do I make sure my elderly co-worker know I care? When do I realize life has only just begun, and I have few bad days under my belt.

It could be worse. Women who work for the LDS church are required to wear dresses everyday. I won't discuss why this is about 20 years behind the times(because if you don't already know, you're fucking bizarre). I could be fat, with a fat husband, and living a bold face lie. But I'm not, and I'll do all I can to make up for what I'm not and purist forward with a new light, and renewed spirits.

Don't die, stay a live, never forget the real things.

When I Cry it's for

Home, but I never feel safe, and I only get to be home for minutes at a time either sleeping or scrubbing this obese body. My self image makes me a stuttering idiot. Fuck that, I need to work on my communication skills. Until then I'll dream of nights under the sky in New Mexico with coyotes howling, and coffee ready for breakfast. A porch with room for a rocking chair and conversations of future adventures. I'll dream and work, and try desperately to shed myself of this fat ass getting a free ride. I want to be thin, I want to be free.

"I only trust my legs. They're my only friends." -Geronimo

Bastard Baby In A Basket

To sleep and not set the alarm. To look in the mirror and not feel fat. To have some positive energy from good friends. Faith, hope, encouragement. I feel drained and afraid. I'm terrified. I can't shake it any longer. I'm an emotional statue. I'm stuck in place. I may look like art, but I'm trapped. I want this fat bitch off my back. GET OFF you Fat Fuck! Get out! She can't even walk she's so fat, let a lone walk out of my life. I wish I could trick her into getting down for a spread then kick her down a hill and watch all my problems roll faster and faster away. To see her giggle and wiggle so fast she pops. But she's stubborn,fat, and God damn heavy at that.

Feeling smart and being smart are 2 things

I feel smart, and distracted. School work is so interesting and once I start it I enjoy it. Somehow I just jump. BING. Log my calories, back to work. BING. Judy wants that mango bread recipe, and BING! I'm in cyber world creating a pro-ana facebook with albums of "safe-food" whatever the fuck that means.

Peace.x.

Buggers and bean juice

I got bean juice on my new jeans(size 2 STILL?!?!?!). You can't see it but I know it's there. That's the point really. You can't see the fat bitch, hitchin' a ride on my back but my knees are buckling.

I woke up sobbing on my weekend. Cody about shit his pants, he said it scared him, but he was right there comforting me. It’s always someone’s trying to kill me. I know it’s not real but they’re attacking is endless, until I can’t breathe, and I wake up screaming or crying. That’s a happy thought. I feel so depressed by my part of being happy.

Today I listened politely to a morbidly obese co-worker tell me how to get abs. That’s cute and all but I don’t take advice from fat people with weak minds and bodies to match. I don’t care if you have all the knowledge of Buhda, you’re a great big fat person. You obviously are not the person to talk to about application. MmmK?

I want something chocolate but can’t even imagine allowing myself the bitter sweetness melting on my tongue. The almost 9 miles I ran today was easy, but so is eating. I am sick of my body not matching my mind. I must work harder. I must be thinner. I must become something better than this fucked up place I live in. Have I told you I live in Provo, UT the capital of fucked up Mormons on a mission to deplete the world of all natural resources? That lie, brainwash, and manipulate all things of real spiritual value. They do, and they want me to feel guilty for drinking a cup of Joe? FUCK THEM! And their cold caffeine soda pops. I wouldn’t drink that for all the tea in China. A carbonated, high fructose, burning liquid of death. You can have your soda pop I’ll stick to tea and coffee. It’s far more natural and better for you. The end.